Most people don’t know this, but a few years ago I suffered with chronic depression. There were a number of causes for my depression. I had an identity crisis, an existential crisis, and a number of insecurities- my voice, my social skills and my body image just to name a few. Each was problematic in its own right, but combined with my everyday life at a foreign university in a foreign country, and the stresses of pursuing an engineering degree , as you can imagine, it made for some serious mental overload.
At my absolute lowest point, in late December 2017, I finally accepted that I had a real problem and that I needed to get help. Prior to this, I was uncertain about what depression even was, and frankly, I had consistent doubts about whether I had it. It was only when I watched a YouTube video on “high functioning depression” (see below) that I was able to be like “Wait a minute, I HAVE THAT!”
I identified with all of the “signs” (which are basically symptoms). So after unofficially diagnosing myself with high functioning depression, my first attempt to get help was at my university’s free counselling/ mental health support. Unfortunately, they weren’t actually able to treat me, but they did point me in the direction of my next attempt for help- the NHS mental health service. (I was living in the UK at the time)
I called the number for the service and spoke to a lovely, empathetic-sounding woman. I told her that I had depression and that I needed to get help. According to protocol, she then walked me through a short questionnaire to basically determine how severe my depression was. I said yes to essentially all of the main symptoms of depression except for one- suicidal thoughts. For this one, I elaborated and said that although I was in fact thinking about it, I wasn’t actually going to do it because I had things in my life that I still wanted to accomplish. Because of this response, she deemed that I wasn’t high risk and so the earliest appointment I could get was in two weeks. “Two weeks?! But I need help now!” I replied in distress. She apologized and I just accepted it and hung up the phone. At this point, I won’t lie, I was infuriated. It took a lot of humility and courage to finally seek help, but despite my willingness, I felt as though the “system” couldn’t help me. In that very moment, I decided that I had to take matters into my own hands and help myself. To me, it seemed like the only option.
Over the next couple of weeks, I became extremely motivated to learn all that I could about combatting depression. I scoured the internet, reading articles, watching YouTube videos, listening to TED talks, podcasts and so much more. Little did I know that in the process of learning to deal with depression, I was also learning how to be healthy. I ended up learning a bit of psychology, philosophy, anatomy and physiology during this time. Most notably, I happened upon mindfulness which almost single-handedly led to my recovery.
Mindfulness taught me to focus on the present moment and to observe my thoughts without judgement, instead of identifying with them-this was a crucial shift in mindset. Furthermore, I used yoga and running as forms of mindfulness practices. Yoga taught me self-acceptance, self-love and through my practice, I developed the habit of breathing through any distress or discomfort ( both mental and physical)- this helped me to keep a calm mind even during stressful times. Running helped me to reinforce this habit of focusing on the breath.
With two weeks gone by, it was now time for my appointment. Even though, I was feeling so much better already, I decided to go anyway for confirmation that I actually was better. I wound up doing the same questionnaire with the therapist. But this time, all those depressive symptoms that I had previously, were no longer there. Some of the most satisfying “Nos” came out of my mouth that day, reaffirming the new mindset that I was only just beginning to cultivate.
Click here to read about the new goals that I made after going through my depression.
Post-specific Disclaimer: This post has implications of a self-diagnosis. Let it be clear that 100yearsthedream.com does not support any form of diagnosis that has not been determined by the appropriate diagnostic testing procedure. In this story, the writer did not know if high-functioning depression was a real thing, it was only used as motivation to get real help and advice from a medical professional.
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